So, I’m 30 now. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. It sounds like a scary number as it is a new decade, but there was no significant difference in how I felt on my birthday on August 8th compared to how I felt on August 7th when I was still a “twenty-something.” I think what was worrying me about this birthday was how things have transpired over the past year. And I’d probably still feel the same way if I was still in my twenties. It’s hard not to have a pity party for myself when I think about how my back is still messed up from the accident and the latest round of epidural injections has been completely useless, the nerve pain in my legs made me feel so weak I sometimes needed a cane to walk, and my fibromyalgia is flaring up big time. I’m bitter and angry and resentful. It didn’t have to be this way, but thanks to that stupid (*assumption time*) meth head girl, it is.
But it could’ve been worse; however, getting caught up in the day-to-day crap, it has been easy for me to lose sight of that. Time to snap out of it though…I feel like I wasted a year of wallowing. I’m sure I put unnecessary stress on my new husband when we are supposed to be enjoying our first year of marriage. I missed out on times with friends because my back hurt, and I thought the couch and ice pack would comfort me more than human interaction would. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My ice pack doesn’t talk back or tell jokes or make me laugh. I see my mother-in-law fighting breast cancer like a warrior and trying to live her life as normally as possible, still seeing friends and trying to enjoy every minute. She’s almost done her treatments and witnessing her battle has been inspiring and a wakeup call. Yes, I’m in pain and it sucks, but it isn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened, I don’t have to deal with what she’s going through or what countless others who are in more pain than me are going through. Am I going to lay in bed the rest of my life missing out on things? A few months ago, I probably would’ve answered yes, who cares and mutter something about feeling hopeless. It was very selfish of me.
I’m seeing enough doctors that one of them has got to figure out a way to help – back/pain management, chiropractor, therapist. I can’t waste any more time. I could say all sorts of cliché things like life’s too short, seize the day, blah blah blah. I’m trying to enter the next decade of my life with a more positive mindset and hopefully learn to relax a little bit. I’ll learn to deal with my back and fibromyalgia pain, but I came to the realization that I couldn’t move forward without changing my attitude towards my life. Enough wallowing, enough pity partying. And maybe this is why my obsession with makeup and skincare has reached a whole new level. I felt like my body was spiraling out of control because of my back and fibro, and those products would transform me into who I used to be before the accident, someone not dealing with chronic pain.
There are definitely things I regret since the accident, but it is too late to change that. This is probably going to sound super sappy, but I’m going there anyway. I can only look ahead and see where life takes me and try to live with little to no regrets. I need to use this blog as a creative and positive outlet where I can channel my moments of hopelessness into something meaningful. So, I guess when it comes down to it, I really don’t think being 30 is a big deal. Maybe it is my wakeup call to grow up and enjoy the people and things I have in my life. I haven’t felt this optimistic in long time and it excites me…
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